(no subject)

I feel like I missed out on the actual development period of adolescence. Instead of learning how to socialize, introspect, take responsibility, learn to plan events, learn what I like and dislike, who I like and dislike, I spent all of my time on school and trying not to succumb to depression.

I’m almost 25 now. I still don’t know how to talk to girls but I’m getting there. I can take care of my bills, plans for the future, know what I like and go for it. I learned my parents marriage has absolutely ruined my sense of safety. I can take care of others, but often fall into self doubt or selfishness. I’m inching very close of a normal sense of self esteem. I’m able to trust myself more.

I’m proud of myself but I feel like this is what I could have learned 10 years ago. I honestly blame my upbringing. I thought my parents did me right but the amount of denial and doubt they make me feel by questioning my choices and making no effort to understand me have really messed me up. If I was like any other STJ it would have been fine. I could have learned through any piece of American media. But being me it was a long journey

(no subject)

I don’t understand how instead of being nice to me and helping me out when I’m sick, my parents think I’m faking it? Like I just want to spend 2 straight days in bed with no food? And they try to make me feel bad by saying how everyone thinks I’m avoiding them and I should get up when I literally don’t have enough strength to hold myself up.

I was so mad last night. I locked the door and daddy would just turn on the light (where the switch was in the outside for some godsaken reason).

I just wanted someone to be on my side for once. Just like fucking validate me. Just believe that I’m sick instead of fucking getting me to do other shit. I feel like I’m always doing everything on my own, by myself. I just want someone to be in my side and show it to me.


Being sick sucks but once I’m better. I’m very happy to be alive. It kickstarts some stuff for me and I’m ready to take on some life