from rooshi, with love

I’m worried I’m going to spend my entire life and not find or work on my art. Losing my chance to send my emotions to others.

Ba passed away yesterday. I’m going to Dallas with parth now. I think it’s good that now she’s definitely in a better place. It was hard to see her health deteriorate. She couldn’t even walk and probably had a hard time taking care of herself. And probably in a lot of pain. So at least she doesn’t have to worry about that anymore. But I feel a bit guilty because I told myself I would call her but haven’t for a while.

I was gonna go back home for my birthday so I could spend it with ba.

I’m sad she won’t be able to see Ayu’s and Jigar’s kid. But at least she saw a lot of the grandchildren get into relationships and saw her 2 great grandchildren.

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It’s 2 weeks later. I feel a bit guilty that I don’t miss her more. But I will commit to my feelings and being myself.

Today, I actually said no to one of the prettiest woman I have ever seen when she asked me if I wanted to practice kissing and hookup. Holy shit. I might regret this in the future but that’s not right. In my gut I knew saying no was the right thing to do. She didn’t respect me for the last year when I tried to text her and hang out at all. And she’s only this nice to me when she’s drunk. She also was strongly against commitment so I feel like I’m not getting the respect and trust I need for my firsts. Don’t regret this rooshi

Sad that most of my time in India was spent sick. But if I was home and sick I would be sad too. So it doesn’t really matter.

The food is not as good as the Buddhist monastery but the yoga people are very fun

A little fomo on the love part. They make marriage look nice but I’m sure most people: single, arranged and a poor fit, have a lot of pain in them too from seeing these sickeningly sweet videos and photos

I feel like I missed out on the actual development period of adolescence. Instead of learning how to socialize, introspect, take responsibility, learn to plan events, learn what I like and dislike, who I like and dislike, I spent all of my time on school and trying not to succumb to depression.

I’m almost 25 now. I still don’t know how to talk to girls but I’m getting there. I can take care of my bills, plans for the future, know what I like and go for it. I learned my parents marriage has absolutely ruined my sense of safety. I can take care of others, but often fall into self doubt or selfishness. I’m inching very close of a normal sense of self esteem. I’m able to trust myself more.

I’m proud of myself but I feel like this is what I could have learned 10 years ago. I honestly blame my upbringing. I thought my parents did me right but the amount of denial and doubt they make me feel by questioning my choices and making no effort to understand me have really messed me up. If I was like any other STJ it would have been fine. I could have learned through any piece of American media. But being me it was a long journey

My first thought when walking around Abu Dhabi international airport was how cripplingly lonely I was feeling. Seeing all the families around the food court eating their emirate-ian version of Burger King really made me miss the time when I was younger and me and shin could share a laugh when we were really young. We probably had a lot more energy back then. I also was thinking if the time where me David julia (I actually can’t remember who else and what country we were in) were sitting at the pizza shop at the airport at the end of our trip, tired of being adventurous, and just ready for some food. I know I get tired of other people fast but i want others around.

It also might just be the sleep deprivation talking

“For these reasons, life after school is typically disorienting. Where there was once structure and goals, there are only loose expectations and financial needs. Where there was emphasis on typically “impractical” knowledge, there is now need for tremendously practical skill sets. Where there was once community in abundance, there are now thousands of miles between friends. Where there were once demands that you follow the prescribed goals for life, there is now an expectation that you define your own, with no guidance or support.”

https://goop.com/wellness/career-money/navigating-20s-hard/

I want to be a good dad. I feel like that would be pretty much the only goal I would need in this life. I'm not sure why. It might be biological but it doesn't feel like that in my gut. I think the biological feeling I should have now is to find a mate. I think the raising a child comes once I sense the pregnancy of my partner.

I have always thought I would be best as a support character. I don't really need or want anything for myself. But I would love to help someone I love to achieve their dreams. I think being a dad would be fit that pattern really well.

There might also be a feeling that I can be a better dad than my dad was to me emotionally. It's not that my dad wasn't a good dad, but we are so incompatible it makes me sad. I wanted emotional and spiritual guidance, but I only got practical tips. There's a chance that same compatibility issue could happen with my kids. So for that, I will be training in patience.