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(no subject)
15 November 2022 13:43Still depressed a bit but a bit better. I think messing up my schedule of exercising and the cold weather hurt. << as I typed that last sentence I thought I shouldn’t try to pick apart the small things that make me feel a certain way. It’s usually not true. << writing that sentence I thought then I would never lift weights, eat more, meditate if that didn’t help.
I can’t wait to make progress again. My main worry right now is that I’m not good enough. I’m not responsible or dependable enough to attract people. I was going to work on it when I got back
I can’t wait to make progress again. My main worry right now is that I’m not good enough. I’m not responsible or dependable enough to attract people. I was going to work on it when I got back
I've had this same guilt every time I come home ever since I think I left for the first time in college.
I love my parents and my family, but it seems like such a poor fit of personalities between actually all 6 of us in the household that I'm surprised we haven't had a breakdown yet. I like seeing them for about one day before I'm like strongly depressed in dallas. usually if I have other cousins or people around we all make it work, but just the 6 of us is mentally acidic for all of us.
Me peaceloving INFP, mom ISFP, dad ESTJ, shin ENTJ, ba strict ESFJ, kk idek but abused in general.
My dad means well but all he does is lecture. He thinks if we do everything perfect that will somehow make up for the large amount of judgement and anxiety that fill his mind. I feel like im being talked "at" instead of in a 2 person conversation.
My mom is very loving, but the stress of working/living with my dad makes her pretty strung out. She does her best to make us feel good but I think our love languages are mismatched and it makes it hard for me to feel close to her. Shes definitely a strong sensor, and will not talk about ideas with me. She doesn't have much interesting to talk about that I find interesting, and I don't have much that she finds interesting. Even though she would be the mostly likely in our family I could talk about emotions with, it doesn't happen. We don't talk about emotions in this house. I still feel betrayed that one time I was hanging out with bhavil, priya, darshan in austin. Mom brought up that priya was pretty. I thought so too. But i had the feeling bhavil and priya had a connection when we hung out. I brought that up. My mom told me to man up.
shin is cool. Since we're both american born, very american indians we relate the most and can talk about a lot of stuff. But even when i like people, it takes me like a few days to get comfortable with them again before we can have our heart to hearts. And I don't see shin anymore since she's so busy saving lives. We also have pretty different lives/values. She's a good fit for american society and i'm really not. we sometimes don't get each other. The atmosphere of distrust in the house also pervaded into our relationship. we will actually not talk about anything like dating, partying, drugs because we need the plausible deniability in case our parents ask.
the language barrier between my grandparents and me really hurts sometimes. I feel like theres a lot we could talk about but I just can't form complete gujarati sentences. I feel like sometimes im missing out on a lot of wisdom from them. I love ba but the way she treats kk sometimes really hurts me. i know they didn't have parenting books and research in their village in india but still. whenever I hear her chain of aggressive coughing and when she talks about a normal mobility move she can’t do anymore, it makes me wonder why we even live this long. Why not go out with a bang. but she is always glad to see me and can carry the conversation so im grateful for that. I hope she's happy or at least gets her happiness soon.
Im always wondering about kamlesh kaka. i can tell hes not happy. I just remembered today he has no friends or confidantes either. hes probably very lonely. but its not like we can talk to each other about our feelings. Even though we both understand gujarati, neither of us can speak it. I think we would find that we are pretty similar if we had the chance to get to know one another. I wonder what it would have been like to have another uncle and another set of cousins.
I just told zahra this but i often feel lonelier at home than i do in my apartment by myself since parth is probably gone with drithi somewhere. in my apartment, i understand and can see myself so that's 100%, but here its about 20%. I don't think dallas will ever be home for me. Unless me, shin, nidhi, abhi, isha, shyamal, suhani are all here too.
I wonder if the others feel the same way I do. I have a feeling they do but maybe it’s subconscious or maybe they push it away out of guilt like I do. I think my dad is the one that others push away the most because he shows his care in a way that irritates the rest of us. I wonder if he ever thinks what it would be like if he had a family that shows him love and appreciation in the way he wanted. Knowing him, the thought is probably there hidden in the waves of his other worries.
I love my parents and my family, but it seems like such a poor fit of personalities between actually all 6 of us in the household that I'm surprised we haven't had a breakdown yet. I like seeing them for about one day before I'm like strongly depressed in dallas. usually if I have other cousins or people around we all make it work, but just the 6 of us is mentally acidic for all of us.
Me peaceloving INFP, mom ISFP, dad ESTJ, shin ENTJ, ba strict ESFJ, kk idek but abused in general.
My dad means well but all he does is lecture. He thinks if we do everything perfect that will somehow make up for the large amount of judgement and anxiety that fill his mind. I feel like im being talked "at" instead of in a 2 person conversation.
My mom is very loving, but the stress of working/living with my dad makes her pretty strung out. She does her best to make us feel good but I think our love languages are mismatched and it makes it hard for me to feel close to her. Shes definitely a strong sensor, and will not talk about ideas with me. She doesn't have much interesting to talk about that I find interesting, and I don't have much that she finds interesting. Even though she would be the mostly likely in our family I could talk about emotions with, it doesn't happen. We don't talk about emotions in this house. I still feel betrayed that one time I was hanging out with bhavil, priya, darshan in austin. Mom brought up that priya was pretty. I thought so too. But i had the feeling bhavil and priya had a connection when we hung out. I brought that up. My mom told me to man up.
shin is cool. Since we're both american born, very american indians we relate the most and can talk about a lot of stuff. But even when i like people, it takes me like a few days to get comfortable with them again before we can have our heart to hearts. And I don't see shin anymore since she's so busy saving lives. We also have pretty different lives/values. She's a good fit for american society and i'm really not. we sometimes don't get each other. The atmosphere of distrust in the house also pervaded into our relationship. we will actually not talk about anything like dating, partying, drugs because we need the plausible deniability in case our parents ask.
the language barrier between my grandparents and me really hurts sometimes. I feel like theres a lot we could talk about but I just can't form complete gujarati sentences. I feel like sometimes im missing out on a lot of wisdom from them. I love ba but the way she treats kk sometimes really hurts me. i know they didn't have parenting books and research in their village in india but still. whenever I hear her chain of aggressive coughing and when she talks about a normal mobility move she can’t do anymore, it makes me wonder why we even live this long. Why not go out with a bang. but she is always glad to see me and can carry the conversation so im grateful for that. I hope she's happy or at least gets her happiness soon.
Im always wondering about kamlesh kaka. i can tell hes not happy. I just remembered today he has no friends or confidantes either. hes probably very lonely. but its not like we can talk to each other about our feelings. Even though we both understand gujarati, neither of us can speak it. I think we would find that we are pretty similar if we had the chance to get to know one another. I wonder what it would have been like to have another uncle and another set of cousins.
I just told zahra this but i often feel lonelier at home than i do in my apartment by myself since parth is probably gone with drithi somewhere. in my apartment, i understand and can see myself so that's 100%, but here its about 20%. I don't think dallas will ever be home for me. Unless me, shin, nidhi, abhi, isha, shyamal, suhani are all here too.
I wonder if the others feel the same way I do. I have a feeling they do but maybe it’s subconscious or maybe they push it away out of guilt like I do. I think my dad is the one that others push away the most because he shows his care in a way that irritates the rest of us. I wonder if he ever thinks what it would be like if he had a family that shows him love and appreciation in the way he wanted. Knowing him, the thought is probably there hidden in the waves of his other worries.
(no subject)
8 November 2022 20:42I did the thing. I initiated a conversation with a stranger on the plane. It was alright. I learned something new like give more compliments instead of trying to make jokes. And ask more questions. I was nervous and it was loud in the plane so i wasn’t in my element.
I’m proud of myself.
But all I can feel is that I failed because we weren’t immediate bffs Kms
__________
Now I’m hiding from her lol
I’m proud of myself.
But all I can feel is that I failed because we weren’t immediate bffs Kms
__________
Now I’m hiding from her lol
(no subject)
8 November 2022 10:27i actually had my own website to host the blog but its too much work and honestly it stops me from putting my true thoughts because it has my name plastered all over it. Here are some of my quickthoughts™️:
Jan 2, 2021 12:15AM
Isn’t it crazy that you’re supposed to talk to someone and eventually convince them to be yours for the rest of their lives? This might just be the quarantine talking though.
Jan 20, 2021 12:15PM
It is finally inauguration day. It should be said, though, that no matter what internal challenges and turmoil we see on the news, we are a remarkably stable country. As long as a majority of the population is dedicated to having the system and country exist, it will, even if the current “ruling” party does not align with some of their political beliefs. It is surely that most would rather have any America than none at all, and with the interconnectedness we have now that was not present in 1861, it is almost certain. But, that does not mean we stay passive as citizens. Being in that majority means we need to be active and assertive to keep our liberties and make sure those liberties apply to every citizen of this country.
Jan 20, 2021 2:48PM
I can’t believe all you need to live is eat, breathe, and sleep. Sometimes I’m just chillin and feel like I’m forgetting something vital to my being alive
Jan 26, 2021 1:26AM
Why is it when someone’s become very good at their hobby, the first instinct is to tell them to start selling? Is it not enough to enjoy it for the sake of enjoying it?
Jan 8, 2022 2:31PM
We are humans but we do not know implicitly who we are or how our brains work. So we humans use our brains to discover what we are. In the same way, the universe uses us as its brain to discover itself and how it works.
I know this is not an original thought, but after reading similar thought in The Anthropocene Reviewed, it hit different.
and ending with the extremely depressing:
Jan 9, 2022 9:52AM
I have a feeling that as soon as I fall in love with my world, I will not be around to enjoy it much longer.
Jan 2, 2021 12:15AM
Isn’t it crazy that you’re supposed to talk to someone and eventually convince them to be yours for the rest of their lives? This might just be the quarantine talking though.
Jan 20, 2021 12:15PM
It is finally inauguration day. It should be said, though, that no matter what internal challenges and turmoil we see on the news, we are a remarkably stable country. As long as a majority of the population is dedicated to having the system and country exist, it will, even if the current “ruling” party does not align with some of their political beliefs. It is surely that most would rather have any America than none at all, and with the interconnectedness we have now that was not present in 1861, it is almost certain. But, that does not mean we stay passive as citizens. Being in that majority means we need to be active and assertive to keep our liberties and make sure those liberties apply to every citizen of this country.
Jan 20, 2021 2:48PM
I can’t believe all you need to live is eat, breathe, and sleep. Sometimes I’m just chillin and feel like I’m forgetting something vital to my being alive
Jan 26, 2021 1:26AM
Why is it when someone’s become very good at their hobby, the first instinct is to tell them to start selling? Is it not enough to enjoy it for the sake of enjoying it?
Jan 8, 2022 2:31PM
We are humans but we do not know implicitly who we are or how our brains work. So we humans use our brains to discover what we are. In the same way, the universe uses us as its brain to discover itself and how it works.
I know this is not an original thought, but after reading similar thought in The Anthropocene Reviewed, it hit different.
and ending with the extremely depressing:
Jan 9, 2022 9:52AM
I have a feeling that as soon as I fall in love with my world, I will not be around to enjoy it much longer.
The Charm Offensive
25 October 2022 16:44love. love the book. love the love. charlie is the only reason I still have to believe I deserve love because of my imperfection. Dev is the reason I believe I still deserve love because of the way I look. The whole book is the only reason I still believe I have a chance of a happily ever after